The Vampire
| Category: | Physical Comedy & Slapstick |
|---|---|
| Category: | Halloween & Spooky |
| Props: | Cape for vampire, wooden stake, garlic (optional) |
| Notes: | The Vampire should be dramatic and theatrical. The Hunter should be overconfident. This is a parody of classic vampire movies with modern twists and a surprise ending. |
([Vampire] stands center stage, cape spread, looking menacing.)
[Vampire:] (in dramatic accent) Good evening! I am Count Dracula! I vant to suck your blood!
([Hunter] enters, holding wooden stake and garlic.)
[Hunter:] (boldly) Not so fast, vampire! I'm a professional vampire hunter!
[Vampire:] (recoiling) A vampire hunter?! No!
[Hunter:] That's right! And I have all the tools I need to defeat you!
(Holds up garlic.)
[Hunter:] Garlic! The vampire's greatest weakness!
([Vampire] sniffs the air, then looks disappointed.)
[Vampire:] (dropping accent) Is that even real garlic?
[Hunter:] (checking) Well... it's a picture of garlic I printed off the internet.
[Vampire:] (rolling eyes) That doesn't count.
[Hunter:] (defensive) Garlic is expensive!
[Vampire:] You're a VAMPIRE HUNTER and you're too cheap to buy real garlic?
[Hunter:] (pulling out stake) Never mind! I have this wooden stake! I'll drive it through your heart!
[Vampire:] (looking at stake) Is that... a pencil?
[Hunter:] (defensively) It's made of WOOD! That's what counts!
[Vampire:] It's a number 2 pencil from a dollar store!
[Hunter:] (frustrated) Look, vampire hunting doesn't pay as well as it used to! I'm working with a limited budget!
[Vampire:] (sympathetically) Really? The economy's been tough on you too?
[Hunter:] Yeah! There aren't that many vampires anymore! I barely get any work!
[Vampire:] Tell me about it! I can't find any good victims these days! Everyone stays inside watching Netflix!
[Hunter:] Wait... you're having trouble finding victims?
[Vampire:] (sighing) Yes! It's very frustrating! In the old days, people would walk alone at night all the time!
[Hunter:] Now they're all looking at their phones!
[Vampire:] Exactly! And when I DO try to approach someone, they just ignore me!
[Hunter:] Have you thought about... getting a different job?
[Vampire:] (sadly) What else can I do? I'm a 300-year-old vampire! "Sucking blood" is all I know!
[Hunter:] (sitting down, thinking) You know, I've been thinking about career changes too...
([Vampire] sits down next to [Hunter].)
[Vampire:] Really? What would you do?
[Hunter:] Maybe accounting? I'm good with numbers.
[Vampire:] I've been thinking about teaching. I love history - I've lived through most of it!
[Hunter:] (nodding) That makes sense!
([They sit in silence for a moment.)
[Hunter:] So... should we still do the whole "hunter versus vampire" thing?
[Vampire:] (shrugging) I mean, we're here... might as well make it look good.
([Both stand up, face each other half-heartedly.)
[Hunter:] (without enthusiasm) I'm going to destroy you, creature of the night...
[Vampire:] (equally unenthusiastic) And I shall drink your blood...
([They both look at audience, then back at each other.)
[Hunter:] This is awkward.
[Vampire:] Very awkward.
[Hunter:] Want to get coffee instead?
[Vampire:] (brightening) You know, that sounds nice! I haven't had a good conversation in decades!
([Both walk offstage together, chatting.)
[Hunter:] So, 300 years old... what was the Renaissance like?
[Vampire:] Oh, you would not believe the fashion...
(Freeze. Blackout.)