The Dastardly Duchess (Scout Skit)

(Cast: the Narrator, the DUCHESS Vespera Vane, Sweet NELL, the HERO Hal Hartwell, and two to five Scouts in a line as the TRAIN. The Narrator teaches the audience parts before the skit begins.)

[Narrator:] Our story begins in a quiet prairie town, where lives our HERO, Hal Hartwell. Brave, strong, and very, very fond of mirrors.

(The HERO admires himself in a pretend mirror and flexes.)

[Narrator:] And his sweetheart, our NELL, who owns the finest farm in the county.

(NELL waves from the farmhouse porch.)

[Narrator:] But one day, a stranger came to town. Glamorous. Mysterious. Wicked to the bone. The DUCHESS, Vespera Vane!

(The DUCHESS sweeps in, fluttering her fan.)

[Vespera:] (to the audience) I want that farm, darlings. And I know just how to get it. (She glides over to the HERO.) Oh, my! Such strong arms! Such a noble chin! Is it true you're the bravest man in the West?

[Hal:] (blushing) Well, I don't like to brag. But yes.

(The DUCHESS blows him a kiss. SMOOCH! The HERO swoons.)

[Vespera:] Would you sign an autograph for a humble admirer?

(She hands him a pen and the deed. The HERO signs with a flourish, without reading a word.)

[Vespera:] Ha! You've just signed over Nell's farm to me! (She snaps her fan shut.) And now, to get you out of the way!

(The DUCHESS ties the HERO up with the rope and lays him across the railroad tracks.)

[Hal:] Help! Help! Somebody save me!

[Narrator:] Oh, peril! In the distance, we hear the TRAIN!

(The TRAIN chugs slowly onto the far side of the stage.)

[Narrator:] Who will save our HERO? Could it be? Galloping over the hill, it's NELL!

(NELL gallops in, leaps off her horse, and works at the knot.)

[Narrator:] Closer comes the TRAIN! NELL tugs and pulls at the knot!

(NELL frees the HERO and pulls him off the tracks just as the TRAIN chugs past.)

[Hal:] (clasping his hands) My hero!

[Nell:] (patting him on the head) Your hero, Hal.

(The DUCHESS stomps back in, waving the deed.)

[Vespera:] It doesn't matter! The farm is mine! I have his signature right here!

[Nell:] (taking the deed and reading it) Let's see. "To my biggest fan, with love, the Handsomest Man in the West." (She tears it in half.) That's not a signature, Duchess. That's an autograph.

[Vespera:] (fanning herself furiously) Curses! Foiled again! (to the audience) I always wanted to say that.

[Narrator:] And so NELL kept her farm, the DUCHESS left town on the next TRAIN, and our HERO learned his lesson.

[Hal:] (admiring himself in the mirror again) Always read before you sign. And always keep NELL around!

Tips: the DUCHESS gets the hiss and the flutter instead of the usual boo, and she should play it grand and gleeful. The HERO is all muscle and no sense, so he should flex every time the audience cheers him. NELL is the real hero here, and that's the joke.

A role-reversal companion to Tied to the Tracks. Play them back to back with the same cast, and the audience already knows its parts for the second one.