The Pioneer Doctor
| Category: | Physical Comedy & Slapstick |
|---|---|
| Category: | Historical / Cultural |
| Props: | Old-fashioned medical bag, saw, hammer (can be fake/mimed) |
| Notes: | This skit pokes fun at old-time medicine. The Doctor should be overly confident while using completely wrong methods. Patients should be increasingly horrified. Great for discussing how medical knowledge has improved! |
([Doctor] stands at center with medical bag, looking very official.)
[Doctor:] Step right up! I'm Doc McGillicuddy, the finest doctor west of the Mississippi! I can cure anything!
([Patient 1] enters, holding their arm.)
[Patient 1:] Doctor! My arm hurts!
[Doctor:] Let me see... (examines arm briefly) Hmm, yes. I know exactly what to do!
([Doctor] pulls out a saw from the bag.)
[Patient 1:] (horrified) What are you doing with that saw?!
[Doctor:] I'm going to cut off your arm!
[Patient 1:] CUT IT OFF?! But it just hurts a little!
[Doctor:] Can't hurt if it's not there! That's frontier medicine!
[Patient 1:] (backing away) I think it feels better already! I'm cured!
([Patient 1] runs away. [Patient 2] enters, hopping on one foot.)
[Patient 2:] Doctor! I twisted my ankle!
[Doctor:] A twisted ankle, you say? (looks closely) Yes, yes. I see the problem!
([Doctor] pulls out a hammer.)
[Patient 2:] (nervously) What's the hammer for?
[Doctor:] I'm going to hit your ankle with this hammer to knock it back into place!
[Patient 2:] Hit it with a HAMMER?!
[Doctor:] (cheerfully) If it's twisted one way, I'll just twist it back the other way! Simple!
[Patient 2:] You know what? Walking on it actually feels much better! I'm healed!
([Patient 2] runs away quickly. [Patient 3] enters, coughing.)
[Patient 3:] (cough, cough) Doctor, I have a cough!
[Doctor:] A cough! Very serious! Let me check your throat. Say "ahhhh."
[Patient 3:] Ahhhhhh!
([Doctor] looks in [Patient 3]'s mouth, then pulls out the saw again.)
[Patient 3:] (alarmed) Why do you have the saw again?!
[Doctor:] I'm going to cut your head off!
[Patient 3:] WHAT?! Why would you do that for a cough?!
[Doctor:] Can't cough if you don't have a head! Problem solved!
[Patient 3:] (backing away quickly) My cough just went away! It's a miracle!
([Patient 3] runs away. [Patient 4] enters - should be an adult leader.)
[Patient 4:] Doctor, I have a terrible headache!
[Doctor:] A headache! My specialty! Let me get my tools!
([Doctor] reaches into bag and pulls out both the saw AND the hammer.)
[Patient 4:] (very worried) Both of them? What are you going to do?
[Doctor:] First, I'll hit you on the head with the hammer to stun you!
[Patient 4:] And then?
[Doctor:] Then I'll saw off the top of your head and let the headache out!
[Patient 4:] (horrified) That's not how headaches work!
[Doctor:] (proudly) It's how they worked in MY day! I learned medicine from the best doctor in the whole frontier!
[Patient 4:] Who was your teacher?
[Doctor:] Doc Frankenstein!
[Patient 4:] (screaming) AHHHHH!
([Patient 4] runs away. [Doctor] looks confused.)
[Doctor:] Why does everyone keep running away? I haven't lost a patient yet!
(A voice from offstage calls out.)
[Voice:] That's because they all ran away before you could treat them!
[Doctor:] (shrugs) Well, they all felt better, didn't they?
(Freeze. Blackout.)