Jack and the Beanstalk
| Category: | Parody & Spoof |
|---|---|
| Category: | Fairy Tales & Stories |
| Props: | Imaginary beanstalk (can mime climbing), bag of "gold" (optional) |
| Notes: | This is a silly parody of the classic fairy tale. The Giant should speak in a deep, booming voice. Jack should be cocky and overconfident. The modern twist at the end gets a good laugh. |
([Jack] stands at center stage, looking up.)
[Jack:] Wow! That beanstalk grew really tall! I wonder what's at the top?
(Mimes climbing the beanstalk - moves upward slowly.)
[Jack:] (climbing) This... is... harder... than... it... looks!
(Finally reaches the top, steps onto platform/cloud.)
[Jack:] Whew! Made it! Now, where's that giant's castle?
(Looks around, then walks toward imaginary castle.)
[Jack:] (excitedly) There it is! I'm going to steal the giant's treasure!
(Suddenly, loud footsteps - [Giant] enters, stomping heavily.)
[Giant:] (in deep voice) FEE FI FO FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!
([Jack] hides behind something.)
[Giant:] (sniffing loudly) BE HE ALIVE OR BE HE DEAD, I'LL GRIND HIS BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD!
([Giant] looks around menacingly.)
[Jack:] (popping out) You'll never catch me, you big bully!
[Giant:] (surprised) WHAT?! WHO DARES CALL ME A BULLY?
[Jack:] I'm Jack! And I'm here to take your treasure!
[Giant:] YOU CAN'T TAKE MY TREASURE! IT'S MINE!
[Jack:] Oh yeah? Watch me!
([Jack] runs to grab imaginary bag of gold.)
[Giant:] (lumbering after Jack) COME BACK HERE!
([Jack] dodges around [Giant].)
[Jack:] (taunting) Can't catch me! You're too slow!
[Giant:] (frustrated) WHEN I CATCH YOU, I'LL-
(Suddenly, [Giant] stops and pulls out a cell phone.)
[Giant:] (speaking into phone in normal voice) Hello, police? Yes, I'd like to report a burglary in progress.
[Jack:] (confused, stopping) Wait, what are you doing?
[Giant:] (into phone) Yes, he's about 5 foot 6, brown hair, wearing peasant clothes. He's trying to steal my gold.
[Jack:] Hey! You can't call the police!
[Giant:] (to Jack, in normal voice) Why not? You're literally breaking and entering. I have rights, you know.
[Jack:] But... you're a GIANT! You're supposed to be evil!
[Giant:] (offended) Evil? I'm a taxpaying citizen! I work hard for my gold!
[Jack:] But... but... the story!
[Giant:] (into phone) Yes, he's still here. He seems confused about basic laws.
([Jack] drops the bag of gold.)
[Jack:] This isn't how the fairy tale goes!
[Giant:] (hanging up phone) Well, maybe you should have read the updated version. This is the 21st century. We have laws now.
([Sound of police sirens in the distance.)
[Jack:] (backing toward beanstalk) I... I should go...
[Giant:] (firmly) You're not going anywhere until you explain yourself to the authorities!
([Jack] makes a break for the beanstalk.)
[Jack:] (running) Sorry! Tell them I... uh... had an emergency!
([Jack] starts climbing down the beanstalk quickly.)
[Giant:] (calling after) You're going to get a restraining order! And a lawsuit!
([Giant] looks at audience, shakes head.)
[Giant:] Kids these days. No respect for private property.
(Freeze. Blackout.)